Negotiation and fairness in relationships
A relationship is a series of compromises. These compromises may be proceeded by fear or anger, and even by threats.
Marriage and relationships are no exception. Singles may fail in marriage or in important relationships because they do not negotiate and compromise.
Fear and anger are emotions. Threats may or may not be preceded by emotions. Often they are.
Emotions may sometimes get you what you want in your relationship. Often they do not.
Probably the best way to get what you want from your spouse or lover is by compromise and negotiation. An important part of negotiation, however, is being able to maintain control of your emotions.
You might think that you need to control the behavior of your lover or family member. Most people do believe they need to control the behavior of the family member with whom they are negotiating.
So, contrary to what you may believe, the behavior you need to control is your own.
This means you can not let your negotiating partner(s) push your buttons. That first requires knowing what your hot buttons are.
Then you need to be able to identify the tactics your partner can use to push your buttons and make you lose emotional control.
Normally you will find people use one of four ways to push your buttons:
- Attacking you or yours .
- Intimidating you by insults, harassment, or playing the part of a bully.
- Refusal to budge. You feel like you have hit a brick wall here.
- Deceiving you in some manner so that you give in. Deception can take the form of:
- Lies
- Manipulation, possibly by acting as if you have reached agreement, then adding on a demand.
If you can recognize the tactic your spouse or family member is using to push your hot buttons, you can avoid reacting by just shrugging off this tactic.
How do you shrug is off?
If someone is pushing a hot button, you need to remove yourself, mentally or physically, and regroup. It doesn’t do any good to respond when you are angry or frustrated.
Instead, pause. Take a break and go back over what has been said.
If your partner is not agreeable to a break, excuse yourself to the bathroom. Stay long enough to go over your options and cool down.
While you are cooling down, your partner is also cooling down.
To get what you want, don’t become emotional and don’t be pressured into making quick decisions.
Quick or emotional decisions are often mistakes. Don’t decide in haste. Whenever possible take time to sleep on your decisions.
